Architect: Boy, wait 'til you see these designs I have for you! You're going to love all of the secret puzzle doors!
Client: Secret puzzle doors?
Architect: Yes! Like check this one out! You have to turn these statues to face the right way in order to open the door to the room leading to the monastery crypt. Isn't that cool?
Client: Why would you do that?
Architect: Why?
Client: Well, yes. On your blueprint here there are stairs down to there from the main sanctuary. Why would you use this puzzle door entrance?
Architect: ...
Architect: ...or how about this! A secret treasure library above the chapel!
Client: Ok, and how do we get into this one?
Architect: Two giant gold keys high up on the wall. You have to climb up to them and hang from them to open the door.
Client: That would make it not much of a secret, wouldn't it?
Architect: Eh?
Client: Well apart from them being giant keys, having monks climbing around the walls and hanging from keys whenever you wanted to visit the library is going to be a bit noticeable I would think.
Architect: Oh, that's ok. We're just calling it a library. There won't actually be anything up there other than windows to look out at the treasure building which will be next door. You'll be able to tell because it will have a giant secret treasure symbol on the roof.
Client: And that's where we put the treasure?
Architect: Naw, we'll hide the actual treasure in a scret room under the church altar.
Client: And how will we open that? Secret staute levers? Twisting symbols? A mosaic puzzle?
Architect: Naw, just shove the altar out of the way. We were overbudget.
Client: Remind me again why I hired you?
Architect: I am very cheap. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go add in three foot high walls everywhere.
Babo Monkey. Various and infrequent musings about games new and old.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, or, how to be an evil bad-guy villain.
Evil Bad-Guy Villain:
Men! Our goal here is to stop a single man. This is why I have brought over a thousand of you, as well as an array of motorcycles, trucks and jeeps, an AA gun and an additional tanker full of fuel barrels. Now, spread out over the entire island in groups of 2-5! Take a couple of fuel barrels with you just in case. I want them spread everywhere in case any of the vehicles need emergency refueling. You guys over there, there's only one or two roads on the island so take all of the vehicles and park them at one end of it.
Let's see, what have I missed. Oh, yes, the river! You two! Take the left over fuel barrels and float them all down the river. Just in case our one patrol boat runs out of fuel somewhere.
Ok, everyone, suit up! We have a couple of crates of shirts and hats here so that you'll all look the same. This will make the one guy we're trying to stop easy to spot.
Due to the absurd number of you, we need to find this massive treasure just so I have a hope in hell of making payroll next week. The treasure might just cover it, provided enough of you get killed out here.
Super Bad-Guy Villain: Remind me again why I hired this guy?
Flunky Bad-Guy Villain: He was cheap.
Super Bad-Guy Villain: Cheap?!? He brought a cruise ship full of morons, a tanker full of vehicles and fuel barrels and enough weaponry to overthrow Liberia. What the hell was the expensive option?
Men! Our goal here is to stop a single man. This is why I have brought over a thousand of you, as well as an array of motorcycles, trucks and jeeps, an AA gun and an additional tanker full of fuel barrels. Now, spread out over the entire island in groups of 2-5! Take a couple of fuel barrels with you just in case. I want them spread everywhere in case any of the vehicles need emergency refueling. You guys over there, there's only one or two roads on the island so take all of the vehicles and park them at one end of it.
Let's see, what have I missed. Oh, yes, the river! You two! Take the left over fuel barrels and float them all down the river. Just in case our one patrol boat runs out of fuel somewhere.
Ok, everyone, suit up! We have a couple of crates of shirts and hats here so that you'll all look the same. This will make the one guy we're trying to stop easy to spot.
Due to the absurd number of you, we need to find this massive treasure just so I have a hope in hell of making payroll next week. The treasure might just cover it, provided enough of you get killed out here.
Super Bad-Guy Villain: Remind me again why I hired this guy?
Flunky Bad-Guy Villain: He was cheap.
Super Bad-Guy Villain: Cheap?!? He brought a cruise ship full of morons, a tanker full of vehicles and fuel barrels and enough weaponry to overthrow Liberia. What the hell was the expensive option?
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